Vallejo Proudly Hires City Manager Whose Resume Lists Three Cities Under ‘References Upon Request, Please Don’t’

Vallejo officials announced the hiring of a new city manager this week, praising his “extensive experience departing municipalities” and calling him “exactly the kind of leader other cities couldn’t wait to recommend.”

The candidate’s resume, obtained by the Moon, describes his previous exits as “mutual decisions I was informed of,” “a resignation I chose from a list of one option,” and “creative differences with an entire city.” “We did our due diligence,” a council spokesperson confirmed. “We called his previous employers, and they were extremely enthusiastic. They used phrases like ‘you’re taking him?’ and ‘is this binding?’ and then we heard what sounded like champagne.” Officials defended the hire as consistent with Vallejo tradition, noting the city has never once been deterred by a track record. “We hired the waterfront developers fourteen times,” the spokesperson said. “Loyalty to a bad idea is kind of our brand.” The new manager is expected to begin immediately and depart under mysterious circumstances within 18–36 months, per the standard municipal life cycle.

Dead Teslas Keep Washing Up in Vallejo; Local Officials Baffled, Locals Unsurprised

Residents awoke this week to find another one: a Model Y, silent and gray, resting on the shoulder of Sonoma Blvd with its hazards blinking a faint distress signal. It was the fourth this month. Nobody knows where they come from. Everybody knows why they stopped here.

“They migrate,” explained a council member we called by mistake but who was surprisingly willing to weigh in. “Fully charged in San Francisco, feeling optimistic, they head north. By the Carquinez Bridge the wind resistance alone drops them 40 miles of range. Vallejo is simply where the math runs out but not the meth.”

Locals have taken to treating the beached vehicles with quiet respect. One family has adorned a stranded Model 3 with flowers. A man on Georgia Street has been charging one off a low-grade orange extension cord typically used for Christmas lights “as a rescue,” though neighbors note the cord runs to a house that is not his.

Big Bertha, the Tennessee Street pothole, is considered a suspect in at least two of the strandings but has retained counsel from Maas and Russo and issued no statement.

Officials urge residents not to approach the vehicles, as they may still attempt to self-park. “If you see a dead Tesla, do not make eye contact with the cameras,” a spokesperson said. “It will report you to a trillionaire in Austin.”

At press time, the vehicles’ owners had all been located in the In-N-Out line, where several said they “knew the risk” and would “absolutely do it again.”

Charging Station at Sacramento and Virginia, Broken Since Its 2024 Debut, Loses Cables to Only Satisfied Customer Ever

The EV charging station in Parking Lot J outside of Provisions on the corner of Sacramento and Virginia, run by Plugsafe, opened in late 2024 to great fanfare and has not worked a single day since — a streak experts describe as “unblemished.” Someone cut the cables off shortly after, presumably for copper.

“It never charged a car, but let’s be fair — it never claimed to,” said one downtown cleanup guy named Gregg. “Actually no, it did claim to. The app said ‘Available’ for a year and a half straight. The app was the confident one.” Police describe the copper theft as “the first documented case of anyone getting value out of that machine,” and the thief is now recognized as the station’s first and only completed transaction. The frozen loading spinner — believed to still be processing a session from November 2024 — remains lit, and is now the only part drawing power, which tracks. EV owners noted the network detected the severed cables within minutes, after eighteen months of not detecting that the station didn’t work. “So the sensors work,” one driver said. “The charging was always more of a vibe.”

Encampment Opens Curated Retail Concept; Yelp Reviewers Call It ‘More Organized Than Target’

A homeless encampment has soft-launched what residents describe as downtown Vallejo’s most ambitious retail venture in years: a fully merchandised storefront called The Encampment, featuring bicycles, power tools, and a surprisingly deep catalytic converter section.

“Everything is display-forward,” said one impressed shopper at The Encampment. “Bikes arranged by size, tools grouped by brand. Meanwhile I went to a big-box store last week, asked where the drills were, and the employee threw her hands up and walked off.” The inventory refresh rate drew particular praise — “new stock daily, sometimes hourly,” noted a retail analyst. “That’s a supply chain most retailers can only dream of. We’re not saying it’s legal, but the customer experience is undeniable.” City economic development called it “entrepreneurial energy,” then clarified that was not an endorsement. Police said they were “monitoring inventory levels closely,” which sources say means they have not yet located The Encampment.

City Responds to Opioid Crisis With Bold New Strategy: A Banner

Facing a crisis visible from passing cars, idling buses, and several open windows, the City of Vallejo rolled out its most decisive public-health intervention in years Thursday: a vinyl banner reading “VALLEJO CARES,” zip-tied to a chain-link fence at a 15-degree angle.

“This is action,” said a city spokesperson at the unveiling, as a gust pushed the banner to 19 degrees. The $4,200 project followed six months of study, three stakeholder meetings, and a design phase that produced a sky-blue backdrop and a stock photo of diverse hands in a circle. “We wanted something that says we see you,” the spokesperson said. “Literally — the type is 72-point.” Counselors on the corridor called the approach insufficient. The city heard efficient. By Saturday, the banner had sagged to 24 degrees, picked up a tag reading “DO U,” and been partially eclipsed by a shopping cart officials described as “pre-existing community infrastructure.” A citywide Narcan distribution plan remains in phase two, filed in the same quarterly packet as Waterfront Plan XIV and the Mare Island repaving study. Residents said they appreciated the effort. “It’s nice,” one told the Moon. “My cousin could use a bed, but the banner’s something.” At press time, staff were monitoring wind conditions and had ordered a backup banner, in case the first one cared itself to death.

Vallejo, a Waterfront City, Successfully Eliminates Final Way to Touch the Water

The family-owned boat yard at the marina has closed its doors for good, marking a milestone for the self-described waterfront city: there is now officially nothing you can do with a boat here.

The closure completes a decades-long civic project. The marina hasn’t been dredged since 2018, and the silt is so thick that boats are stuck in their berths, unable to move or even be sold — a phenomenon marina insiders call “berth arrest.” The yard’s owner said the decision was painful but inevitable: “You can’t service boats that can’t leave. At this point they’re landscaping.” City officials called the shutdown “aligned with our waterfront vision,” which has long featured renderings of kayakers who do not require functional docks. A dredging study commissioned in 2019 remains under review; findings are expected in the same fiscal year as Waterfront Plan XIV. At press time, the only vessels still moving on the water were in a PowerPoint.

‘City of Opportunity’ Sign on Sonoma Boulevard Defends Its Record: ‘I Never Said Whose’

The sign welcoming drivers to Vallejo — “City of Opportunity” — pushed back this week against critics who call the slogan outdated, arguing it has never once been wrong.

“Read it again,” the sign said. “City of Opportunity. I didn’t say opportunity for you specifically. The man who took the charging cables at Sacramento and Virginia? Opportunity. Seized it. The pothole on Tennessee Street collecting rims since 2015? Thriving. Fourteen waterfront developers got paid to draw kayakers. You think that’s not opportunity?” Civic historians confirm the sign’s technical accuracy, citing verified opportunity for scrap metal enthusiasts, task force consultants, banner vendors, tow truck operators stationed near Big Bertha, and one encampment retail concept currently outperforming Walgreens. “People drive past me at 60 in a 35 — also an opportunity they’re taking — and they scoff,” the sign continued, leaning slightly, having been hit twice. “Meanwhile Benicia’s sign says ‘A Great Day by the Bay.’ Every day? That’s a lie and everyone tolerates it. I deal in facts.” Asked about residents who came for the original promise — an affordable Bay Area city where a family could actually buy a house and build something — the sign was quiet for a moment. “That one’s still live, actually. Cheapest waterfront in the Bay. Good bones. Everybody laughs until the next guy closes escrow.” At press time, the sign had declined a rebrand under Waterfront Plan XV, citing existing name recognition and a pending study on whether a second slogan could be zip-tied to its back without voiding the warranty.

Ferry Arrives Exactly on Time; Passengers Report Feeling ‘Unsafe, Disoriented’

Commuters aboard the 7:00 a.m. boat to San Francisco described a scene of quiet panic Friday after the vessel departed at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

“I hadn’t even finished my excuse text to my boss,” said one shaken rider. “I always send it at 7:10, when we’re still at the dock. My whole system collapsed.” Ferry officials apologized for the punctuality and promised a return to normal operations by Monday.

Man Who Moved Here Eight Days Ago Refers to Vallejo as ‘The Next Brooklyn’ for Eleventh Time

Neighbors on a quiet Heritage District street confirmed the new arrival has used the phrase at the coffee shop, the hardware store, and once, unprompted, at a red light.

“He also said our Victorian has ‘good bones,’” a longtime resident reported. “Sir, you rent.” At press time, the man was drafting a Substack about discovering a taqueria that has been there for thirty-one years.